alright so i find myself blogging when i haven't blogged anything worth blogging in months.

so here goes:

i don't know my life philosophy. someone close to me vaguely said something about how life is unfair, but out of those 30 days in a month, 1 day makes everything worth it.

so i asked what that day of the month was. pretty cool stuff that i never thought about.

what's my life philosohy? i believe lots of things.

for starters, i believe we're all here for a purpose. that a greater good determines our existence. that ultimately, like bees to honey, we're drawn to whatever it is that our existence was to fulfill.
sure, along the way we might stray, but inevitably we all end up where we were meant to be. "for i know the plans i have for you, plans not to harm you but to give you a hope and a future" yadda yadda. i just wish i knew what my plan was. sometimes i wonder, what's the point in trying if a higher power steers my course? anyhoo for that reason although i'm possibly the largest fluke in history to have made it where i am now, i decided i'm damn well fighting to keep my spot. that means a bed time next semester. no more skipping lectures and tutes, and studying. shivers.

oh man before i forget! another one is that we NEVER know what's going to happen. never! trust me on that one. sometimes i spend minutes wishing that something that i think is NEVER going to happen, just HAPPENS. like, surprise me, you know?

we were talking about being right-wing or left-wing the other day (such geeks! the horror!) and van and stef very adamantly declared that it is in our profession to be right-wing, because we're all dodgy bastards that screw people over (and we wonder why nobody likes lawyers) and it greatly bothered me because i think i have that potential to be that dodgy bastard! i thought that you know, surely there's some noble cause i can champion but i was told that it's either kick-arse dodgy bastard with great to-die-for shoes, or self-righteous prick with no shoes. and wouldn't you know it, i leaned towards the shoes.

like i said, dodgy bastard in the making = me.

also i think i would like to think that i have made a difference by being alive. like i've changed someones life for the better and made them happy. enough said about that.

maybe my philosophy is that shit happens. God knows i find myself saying that often enough :p

sakLDJASKJKSJFjsdkasjd i don't know.

ok - must stop fretting about this. it will come in time!

some days i feel like i might just fade, bit by bit. and what's holding me down are my constants, my anchors.
so tonight i decided i will make plans. five years from now, i want to be able to say i have made plans, and i have stuck to them (yippee, another anchor!)

alrightys, plan #1 is to graduate obviously.

plan # 2 is to be more decisive. (i hate being indecisive! i do!) i want to be confident and know what i want, and who i am, and go for it. oh maybe that comes with less worrying, cos i worry way too much.

plan # 3 is to love. like, properly.

plan #4 is make plans, to make plans.

um i'm sure more plans will come up.. on hindsight that is a paltry little list.

the truth is, i have issues that i would rather die than say. but i hope they don't remain issues for long. gotta move past things instead of latching onto them and letting them become dead weight..(ouch, i typed dead weight loss ~_~ somebody shoot me.) i am STUCK in this rut. *note to self* stop holding on, and LET GO.

going on christian camp thing for the next one week. i realised i have forgotten how to pray. the other day when i tried, it came out all awkward sounding. definitely said some cringe-worthy stuff that night, and i know for a fact people were listening. :(

digressing, another epiphany i had - whoever said that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" obviously never met van on the warpath. the real saying should be "hell hath no fury like a van on the warpath." i love van anyway; it was just a revelation.

discovered the best chilli fish dish ever! i love chilli with a passion; calling all chilli lovers to flood the shop with me: dumplings plus in the city on swanston street. tasting it was an explosion of familiarity, the burn in my mouth - for those few glorious seconds i was back in singapore.

sat in the park today for a good 2 hours. it was nice. nice barely describes it to be honest, but i like keeping it simple. i will do it more often, perhaps for my sanity. i am a great big myriad of thoughts i cannot express and feelings that i don't allow myself to feel. when i unlock the floodgates, oh boy will there be mess to clean up.

i guess what i'm really trying to say is, how do you sever something you don't want to or don't know how to function without????

questions questions questions. life's one big unknown isn't it? (how's THAT for a life philosophy?)