alright. i think i may have found it
it being, the song that hits all the notes i need to hear. it's been a long time since i connected with music so deeply in a way that it feels like its woven into my soul.

i'm sick of songs about heartbreak.
i'm sick of songs about sex.
i'm sick of songs that are supposed to be so inspirational, they make me want to gag.
i'm sick of songs that dwell on the past and don't move forward.

my theory is that they trap you by making you identify with them (okay, everything else except the songs about sex before you start getting ideas.) and before long we're all turned into emo
little train wrecks who are convinced that something in our life is wrong. either we're not getting
loved enough, not getting laid enough, not aspiring to be someone enough, not letting go enough
(in the order that i listed songs i was sick of.)

so here it is, my song

Beautiful dawn
Lights up the shore for me.
There is nothing else in the world,
I'd rather wake up and see (with you).
Beautiful dawn
I'm just chasing time again.
Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.

But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Beautiful dawn
Melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)?
Beautiful dawn
You're just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.

High; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?
Promise me tomorrow starts with you,
Getting high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

High; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

beautiful? i always wonder why people refer to stars to communicate the idea of the unknown;
of the lost; of the searching; of something so wildly unattainable that our beings strain towards
it..? they are so fascinating only because we cannot reach them or taint them with the trivialities
and frailties of human nature.

hope; dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption

i think the mystery surrounding the relative unknown - things we cannot define or "humanize" -
appeals to everyone. why do people search for a purpose in life? where did the belief of a "higher
power" stem from? the answer is, we're only human. and we need this, this assurance to keep us
from spinning out of control and into that unknown. i question my faith sometimes and it shames
me so. because if i believe that believing means i need to surrender my doubts wholeheartedly. i
need to stop testing the limits and give over my fears and doubts and cynicism and questions and
insecurities.
and having said that, i need to believe. believe in something more. and believe in something that
fills my existence. i am not the sort to step into the unknown without a safety net. and that
applies to everything. i hate change; i fear rejection; i am terrified of being lonely.
*scene of old lady and numerous cats*

by the way, this onslaught of reflections has been brought about way too much exam cramming,
way, way, WAY too much food and a hell of a lot of frustration. not to mention a very long day,
and definitely a week much lacking in sleep.

i picked the worst time to go and get addicted to grey's anatomy. it's charming in a humble way
and i think its secret weapon is McDreamy - i kid not. before grey's, patrick dempsey was to me
a rather smooth, pretty charming typical bachelor guy; now when he speaks my brain boils itself
down to goo goo and then oozes out of my ears.
now i practically live through meredith (i know, horny slut, dirty mistress, say what you will.)
but for that intensity between her and mcdreamy i would give, well.. nights of sleep. and a great
many tissue boxes.
DURING exams i might add. a note-worthy sacrifice.

by the way, i ought to make it clear now that i resolve to go to every single lecture and tute next
semester (afjkehfkjfh. i made a bet that i am sorely regretting but determined not to lose.)

i feel like i'm fading - like somewhere along the way i've detached myself - so much so that it feels
like one day i'll wake up and be invisible to everyone around me..a cartoon stick figure in
black and white.
actually.. sometimes i already feel invisible.
but yet that's where i'll always be. 
hanging by a moment here with you.
suspended.one moment in time. immortalized, because i don't have the courage to color myself in

when everything feels like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive..

exactly halfway through exams.
2/4 completed.
wanna know what it feels like?
i'm sitting here in a daze, trying to start marketing.
it feels like a fat woman ploughed into me. there was one question where i absolutely hadn't the slightest idea how to answer. so i copied out pretty much the whole of the principles book in the desperate hope that something would be relevant.

when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am..

i feel so numb.
i need to feel alive again.