情非得已
難以忘記初次見妳　一雙迷人的眼睛
在我腦海裡 妳的身影　揮散不去
握妳的雙手感覺妳的溫柔　真的有點透不過氣
妳的天真 我想珍惜　看到妳受委曲 我會傷心 喔
只怕我自己會愛上妳　不敢讓自已靠的太近
怕我沒什麼能夠給你　愛妳也許要很大的勇氣
只怕我自己會愛上妳　也許有天會情不自禁
想念只讓自已苦了自己　愛上妳是我情非得已
什麼原因
我竟然又會遇見你 我真的真的不願意
就這樣陷入愛的陷阱

so stuck on this song and meteor garden lately..i know, i can't believe myself! officially labelled a sucker. it's now 1 pm and i just woke up cos i stayed up last night watching my dao ming shi.. *heart melts* even though his dress sense in the show is shit, he still looks hot anyway..and i found someone to agree that dao ming shi's the best instead of lei! :D poo to bena and melina, who are googoo over lei. he's so quiet! but i get it, it's the strong and silent thing. =x i figure i hate waking up in the mornings just to hear my mum nag. nag nag nag nag nag. ugh. yesterday was a good day, not counting nighttime. went to school for course confo..YAY..my results don't suck and i changed like half my subjects -.-" but now i get to do 3/4!! kay..jan just called.. :D we are bored bored people and so we're going to westfield later. oh shuuucks i should just get her her present right there. ok..anyway..i attempted to do the whole "forgiveness and bitterness" mission homework, but as soon as i tried dad cracked it at me, so i decided to shut up ._. ooh i can't wait for friday to see daniel radcliffe! ok..so after course confo, we lingered around on a high and bena and melina bummed at my house for awhile watching meteor garden. *happy sigh* :p he is so hot! ok..then i came online and had a random convo with jonadab, yes, he is random. confuses me, that boy. he's gone goth, apparently. what's the fascination with goth? i don't get it. heap on the eyeliner and lipstick. or whatever. gosh, wears more makeup that girls that i know. and had several other random conversations with even randommer people whom i hardly talk to in real life. ><" i miss aderyl. i miss how we used to crack up for no reason and not be able to stop laughing. and i miss everyone, heaps. i just realized i talk to heaps of singapore people. denny hasn't changed much =p zm's still an ass, but a nice one. :D and aderyl's my wonderful bubbly girl :D ok..anyway mums started nag nag nag omg i'm escaping now bye!

oooh the anger. i could scream now. i know my parents are an unchangeable part of my life. but it's just asinine that i'm not allowed to express any form of disagreement or disapproval or disappointment with them or their decisions or their actions - just because i'm their daughter. so what? i have a right as a person to disagree or whatever. take my mum - she's always making appointments with people and breaking them for no good reason. and she gets so intolerant of me when i'm late. but i can't express any feelings when she cracks it at me for breaking appointments- no wait, being late for them, and she does it on a regular basis. my dad - selfish, self-centered.. ugh! when we moved here he promised us rooms each. then he took one of the rooms for his office. now that he's planning to buy a house, he wants to kick us out of the nicest rooms and have his office there. ok. fine. he can do that, but i don't think he should make any promises if he's planning to do that. and hello? i'm supposed to keep my mouth shut and act like i'm happy but i really wish they'd respect me a bit. i'm not allowed to disagree with their opinions, i'm not allowed to do this, to do that, and i'm not growing any younger; i'm getting older. the older i get the more they expect and the harder they crack down on me. i lost all the freedom i had when i moved here and sometimes i feel so so so sick at this whole living arrangement. my parents practically jail me at home on the pretext of spending "quality time" but guess what i end up doing? housework. and now they want to go off to some golf tournament and break more previous engagements. i really couldn't care less but when i told my mum "i just think that it's not right you promise someone something and you break it for no good reason at your convienience." my dad told her to lie about it and i mean, yeah, here's another one of those things. mum can lie anytime she likes but if i lie, like..saying i practiced my piano when i didn't..she goes completely anal on me. so how should they expect me to respect them? my dad just started yelling at her because she's beginning to feel guilty about what i said, so now he's pissed at me because i have no right to say things like that.. UGH i could hurl; i feel so sick now. i just want to get back to singapore. extreme extreme homesickness to be somewhere i feel like i belong for some comfort.

horribly high on caffeine.anyway, yesterday i had youth ministry training, and yeah, it was pretty good..some stuff happened but i hope it's all sorted now..will pray about it :) i'm just glad we got quite alot of things accomplished but i spent the whole day out yesterday and i'm beginning to think that this will be so huge if we could get everything done perfectly!today was the coffee-making course at william anglis.i am never ever ever taking a lift from my parents again.it seems like whoever i'm with, i'm always late. i got to the city at one of those neither-here-nor-there times, where you have too much time to wait and too little to do anything.my parents decided to go eat and they took their time walking around, finding a place to piss, etcetera.and i was just nervously pacing about looking at my ticking watch move closer to 11.45,which was when i was supposed to meet bena at flinders street.and omgosh, the food came at 11.45.and then my parents made me walk all the way back through chinatown to get to la trobe street where they parked the car!and they insisted on driving to flinders, and guess what.roadblock...so i was very very late indeed. bena called me sounding really freaked and i thought she was cut we were going to be late, but when i got there she started telling me about how some dribbly black guy approached her for ten bucks and wouldn't leave her alone :P hahah!yucky. anyway with about half an hour we decided to walk back to melbourne central to max brenner's. =p the irresistability of chocolate. and we had to take away. ugh i discovered my camera has a black spot and i don't know what it is..shucks ><><" not that there were that many. but i make a pretty yummy cappucino! hahah and then we went back to melbourne central for the third time. and shopped like crazy, running from store to store dashing in and out. but i only got a pair of jeans and i saw such a nice bag but i couldn't decide whether to get it, and now i totally regret. urgh!! i wanna go straight back and buy it now, only i'm kinda low on cash : i really should not spend money on things like food. anyway, i can't wait to go back there now!! and i wanna go to koorung too!! and i have piano lesson and gym assessment and more mission training and next friday's bena's birthday..and..*faints*

omgosh i had the most piss-full day.. =x first i woke up looking like someone punched me in the eye (i'm not kidding.) and all day my vision on one side was like looking through a pinhole. and yes, it hurt.to top it off, mum and dad decided to go anal on me, so yes, i spent my whole morning getting yelled at because somehow it was my fault that my eye's crazy inflammations started out again. and my dad got cut because he had a meeting and there was only one car so i waited for the whole morning till he came back. so yes, i missed mission training and i'm about to miss the youth debrief. and i couldn't see all day so i just sat on my rapidly growing arse watching TV. great way to spend the first day of the first week of my holidays, i must say. and then off to two different doctors, so yes, that was my extremely productive afternoon. i wonder what happened to my holiday plans. and now my arms hurt too cos of the silly immunisations i had yesterday (which hurt man..everyone lied to me and went "no it's not painful at all! don't be scared!" but my arm was like dead after..so much for "not painful at all.") anyway so far my holidays have been really crap so yeh pray it gets better. and omg! the doctor got pissy at me too! it's like national lets-get-pissy-at-xinni day. he practically chucked a fit at me for putting in eyedrops in my other eye when i wasn't supposed to, but hello?! it's not like i had a choice; my eye was hurting and mum was saying "no use bringing you to the doctor cos you just screw yourself up again." so yeah, what did he expect me to do, sit there and suffer? ..ugh.

finally! it's over!! i didn't feel as light as i thought i would. but oh well. happy birthday carrie! anyway maths today was sooo..tense. i was all fidgety. (i had a panic attack this morning when i woke up and discovered that i forgot everything about quadratic graphs. ) yeah so i was doing my paper and then..i looked up and discovered omg! theres like 5 pages left and 20 minutes..and i panicked and started doing everything really quickly..but oh well it's over :) don't give a crap now. ^^ ooh we went to city today..and took really random pictures on the tram! =p we wanted melina to pretend like she was pissing on the tram and take a picture but she refused :( so janean did it and i made like a really disapproving face with a point in her direction, but the picture turned out more like me poking her arse because of the angle. = haha. and we couldn't decide where to go so we went to take sticky photos! translation: singapore- neoprint! the machines are quite crappo though..and then we couldn't decide where to go to eat..and then i began to get the feeling that the place we were walking by looked familiar..and i was like.."melina...? i have the feeling we walked in a circle." and she choked on her bubble cup because we were walking in a circle. = =" mm. smart me. :) yeh anyway we ended up at red silk where the man's like.. "no outside drinks allowed..we can keep your bubble cup in the fridge for you.."and after all that effort to smuggle it in ._. ..haha
xinni: omgomgomg!! i saw eric seegers!!!
janean: GAAAAAAAAAAAAASP
*TABLE STARES*
janean: HOW CUTE IS HE?!
*TABLE STARES MORE* :D
and after that they had to scoot and the rest of us went to crown :) to watch flight plan! it was pretty good :) and quite unpredictable till the end. and then..as usual we got lost. = = anyway :) blog more another time ^^

....something i wanted so much..right up till this morning..and now i think i have a chance of getting it..but things are different now..the thought of going to KL with pris and glo when i'm not so close with them anymore doesn't really make me feel excited..imagining being left out and alone in KL too with just them..even the thought of going to china now only excites me cos i'm doing God's work..but i have a feeling i'll probably feel really left out..but nvm :) i'm not going to china for social reasons. now, about KL.. it's crazy i'm thinking about it before my maths exam, but i really didn't think i'd have a chance to go. but now that it seems possible again..it's struck me how i'm not so close with them anymore and it would be weird..i don't feel it when i'm with either one of them (duh) because it's just two people in a conversation. but when it gets more than two people it feels like three's a crowd and i'm the crowd because they tend to have the conversation directed solely at each other, with me just listening there not getting it. no, it's not a nice feeling. and no, ellice (if you're reading this) i don't wanna tell them because i don't really want them to change the way they joke and laugh and talk to each other because they feel conscious of me. i reckon i should get over it. and i will, soon. anyway, during this time that i've felt awkward and more, God's given me a wonderful friend to cherish! bena! not that she hasn't always been there, but so much more these days and even more than she knows. i love her to bits. :) and i hope that whatever decision i make, it's the right one.

six down two to go!
woohoo!! can't wait only 2 more days before i'm free for 3 months!! ugh geo tomorrow but who cares :D after tomorrow no geo forever! omgosh com exam sooo annoying stupid guys kept coughing and snickering = =" but at least i think i went ok. science was surprising not as bad as last terms..= couldnt concentrate cos i saw a booger and i kept thinking about the disgusting green mushed up booger in tissue paper and felt my stomach go all yicky whenever someone blew their nose. eeew. which was like every few seconds cos half my class is hayfevered. including me i think, but my head and nose just hurt and i sneeze excessively (though thankfully without all that booger crap) mish and glo just went home, we ploughed through that geo revision sheet ^ yay! i cbs anymore. omg..2 more days!! i'm in such a dancey mood now Run It is an awesome song~!

We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you
No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope you were there to remind me
This is the start

And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep going on
Starting out on a journey
Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you

aww..woke up yesterday morning with this song running through my head not knowing what it was. drove me crazy till i went to school and hummed it to people and got the title. it's an awesome beautiful song! i'd love to quote it on my msn name, only it's a tad too lovey-dovey for me atm. anyway i barely remembered my coffee course money and when i got to school, gave it in and went to the Yr 10 coordinator's office to get my session picked, i decided to check out the unexplained absences list. and omgosh. i was flipping through the sheet and i saw willis (willis's name is just before mine) with a whole page of unexplained absences. and i'm like. oh. okay. well, willis has quite alot of unexplained absences. *rolls eyes* and then, i flip to the next page. and frkin.. : my list is almost as long as willis's. ..i'm thinking i'm just going to get my mum to write a note with a big blank space for me to fill in all the dates. gah. anyway, it's saturday morning. (very EARLY in the morning) and my first time being properly online for a week. yes, i've been mugging. hardworking me :D anyway i had my very last science,history,geography,and commerce,pe,media lessons this week. it's quite a sad thing. this year's zipped by awfully quickly, and yes, i'll miss everyone heaps, even..(yes i have to admit this) lahiru, who annoys me with his incessant deodorant spray which always ends up in my locker. ._. but yeh, he's been a nice and good locker neighbour and funny too ._. especially when he thinks hes so sexy with his CK deodorant. hahah! i'm gonna miss that. :) and i'm gonna miss josh making the sound of the bell going with perfect pitch and getting tricked everytime along with the teacher. and i'm gonna miss um.. well opening my locker and having EVERYTHING fall out because some jerk tipped the whole row ._. oh yeh, and the awesommest science teacher ever, ms lew! i want to see her get married with her boyfriend and watch mythbusters all day and give birth to little mooshey lews. :D and miss carrolls such a good math teacher too! and mr yu going "shingning" and telling everyone to shut up. oh, it's been a good year. and i cant wait for next year to come.

ughhh! exams next week. this week's our last proper school week..and omg..this year's flew by. =) will update soon after exams. to jan: cheer up :) i love you heaps and heaps and will always be here for you.