._.
i smell people.

alright so i find myself blogging when i haven't blogged anything worth blogging in months.

so here goes:

i don't know my life philosophy. someone close to me vaguely said something about how life is unfair, but out of those 30 days in a month, 1 day makes everything worth it.

so i asked what that day of the month was. pretty cool stuff that i never thought about.

what's my life philosohy? i believe lots of things.

for starters, i believe we're all here for a purpose. that a greater good determines our existence. that ultimately, like bees to honey, we're drawn to whatever it is that our existence was to fulfill.
sure, along the way we might stray, but inevitably we all end up where we were meant to be. "for i know the plans i have for you, plans not to harm you but to give you a hope and a future" yadda yadda. i just wish i knew what my plan was. sometimes i wonder, what's the point in trying if a higher power steers my course? anyhoo for that reason although i'm possibly the largest fluke in history to have made it where i am now, i decided i'm damn well fighting to keep my spot. that means a bed time next semester. no more skipping lectures and tutes, and studying. shivers.

oh man before i forget! another one is that we NEVER know what's going to happen. never! trust me on that one. sometimes i spend minutes wishing that something that i think is NEVER going to happen, just HAPPENS. like, surprise me, you know?

we were talking about being right-wing or left-wing the other day (such geeks! the horror!) and van and stef very adamantly declared that it is in our profession to be right-wing, because we're all dodgy bastards that screw people over (and we wonder why nobody likes lawyers) and it greatly bothered me because i think i have that potential to be that dodgy bastard! i thought that you know, surely there's some noble cause i can champion but i was told that it's either kick-arse dodgy bastard with great to-die-for shoes, or self-righteous prick with no shoes. and wouldn't you know it, i leaned towards the shoes.

like i said, dodgy bastard in the making = me.

also i think i would like to think that i have made a difference by being alive. like i've changed someones life for the better and made them happy. enough said about that.

maybe my philosophy is that shit happens. God knows i find myself saying that often enough :p

sakLDJASKJKSJFjsdkasjd i don't know.

ok - must stop fretting about this. it will come in time!

some days i feel like i might just fade, bit by bit. and what's holding me down are my constants, my anchors.
so tonight i decided i will make plans. five years from now, i want to be able to say i have made plans, and i have stuck to them (yippee, another anchor!)

alrightys, plan #1 is to graduate obviously.

plan # 2 is to be more decisive. (i hate being indecisive! i do!) i want to be confident and know what i want, and who i am, and go for it. oh maybe that comes with less worrying, cos i worry way too much.

plan # 3 is to love. like, properly.

plan #4 is make plans, to make plans.

um i'm sure more plans will come up.. on hindsight that is a paltry little list.

the truth is, i have issues that i would rather die than say. but i hope they don't remain issues for long. gotta move past things instead of latching onto them and letting them become dead weight..(ouch, i typed dead weight loss ~_~ somebody shoot me.) i am STUCK in this rut. *note to self* stop holding on, and LET GO.

going on christian camp thing for the next one week. i realised i have forgotten how to pray. the other day when i tried, it came out all awkward sounding. definitely said some cringe-worthy stuff that night, and i know for a fact people were listening. :(

digressing, another epiphany i had - whoever said that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" obviously never met van on the warpath. the real saying should be "hell hath no fury like a van on the warpath." i love van anyway; it was just a revelation.

discovered the best chilli fish dish ever! i love chilli with a passion; calling all chilli lovers to flood the shop with me: dumplings plus in the city on swanston street. tasting it was an explosion of familiarity, the burn in my mouth - for those few glorious seconds i was back in singapore.

sat in the park today for a good 2 hours. it was nice. nice barely describes it to be honest, but i like keeping it simple. i will do it more often, perhaps for my sanity. i am a great big myriad of thoughts i cannot express and feelings that i don't allow myself to feel. when i unlock the floodgates, oh boy will there be mess to clean up.

i guess what i'm really trying to say is, how do you sever something you don't want to or don't know how to function without????

questions questions questions. life's one big unknown isn't it? (how's THAT for a life philosophy?)

alright. i think i may have found it
it being, the song that hits all the notes i need to hear. it's been a long time since i connected with music so deeply in a way that it feels like its woven into my soul.

i'm sick of songs about heartbreak.
i'm sick of songs about sex.
i'm sick of songs that are supposed to be so inspirational, they make me want to gag.
i'm sick of songs that dwell on the past and don't move forward.

my theory is that they trap you by making you identify with them (okay, everything else except the songs about sex before you start getting ideas.) and before long we're all turned into emo
little train wrecks who are convinced that something in our life is wrong. either we're not getting
loved enough, not getting laid enough, not aspiring to be someone enough, not letting go enough
(in the order that i listed songs i was sick of.)

so here it is, my song

Beautiful dawn
Lights up the shore for me.
There is nothing else in the world,
I'd rather wake up and see (with you).
Beautiful dawn
I'm just chasing time again.
Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.

But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Beautiful dawn
Melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)?
Beautiful dawn
You're just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.

High; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?
Promise me tomorrow starts with you,
Getting high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

High; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

beautiful? i always wonder why people refer to stars to communicate the idea of the unknown;
of the lost; of the searching; of something so wildly unattainable that our beings strain towards
it..? they are so fascinating only because we cannot reach them or taint them with the trivialities
and frailties of human nature.

hope; dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption

i think the mystery surrounding the relative unknown - things we cannot define or "humanize" -
appeals to everyone. why do people search for a purpose in life? where did the belief of a "higher
power" stem from? the answer is, we're only human. and we need this, this assurance to keep us
from spinning out of control and into that unknown. i question my faith sometimes and it shames
me so. because if i believe that believing means i need to surrender my doubts wholeheartedly. i
need to stop testing the limits and give over my fears and doubts and cynicism and questions and
insecurities.
and having said that, i need to believe. believe in something more. and believe in something that
fills my existence. i am not the sort to step into the unknown without a safety net. and that
applies to everything. i hate change; i fear rejection; i am terrified of being lonely.
*scene of old lady and numerous cats*

by the way, this onslaught of reflections has been brought about way too much exam cramming,
way, way, WAY too much food and a hell of a lot of frustration. not to mention a very long day,
and definitely a week much lacking in sleep.

i picked the worst time to go and get addicted to grey's anatomy. it's charming in a humble way
and i think its secret weapon is McDreamy - i kid not. before grey's, patrick dempsey was to me
a rather smooth, pretty charming typical bachelor guy; now when he speaks my brain boils itself
down to goo goo and then oozes out of my ears.
now i practically live through meredith (i know, horny slut, dirty mistress, say what you will.)
but for that intensity between her and mcdreamy i would give, well.. nights of sleep. and a great
many tissue boxes.
DURING exams i might add. a note-worthy sacrifice.

by the way, i ought to make it clear now that i resolve to go to every single lecture and tute next
semester (afjkehfkjfh. i made a bet that i am sorely regretting but determined not to lose.)

i feel like i'm fading - like somewhere along the way i've detached myself - so much so that it feels
like one day i'll wake up and be invisible to everyone around me..a cartoon stick figure in
black and white.
actually.. sometimes i already feel invisible.
but yet that's where i'll always be. 
hanging by a moment here with you.
suspended.one moment in time. immortalized, because i don't have the courage to color myself in

when everything feels like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive..

exactly halfway through exams.
2/4 completed.
wanna know what it feels like?
i'm sitting here in a daze, trying to start marketing.
it feels like a fat woman ploughed into me. there was one question where i absolutely hadn't the slightest idea how to answer. so i copied out pretty much the whole of the principles book in the desperate hope that something would be relevant.

when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am..

i feel so numb.
i need to feel alive again.

exams are around the corner.
i had a somewhat nasty shock today when i asked stef if next week was swotvac, only to be informed that next week exams begin
*dies*
i'm so stressed that i have been eating ridiculously large amounts, and then after when i look at my work, it's so hard that feel like barfing.
i don't think that's healthy..
some days i get cranky. cos it's upsetting that nobody takes me seriously when i'm stressed, everyone says "you'll be fine, you got into com/law". oh if only. so many people don't know how i fluked my way in, but somehow nobody offers help anymore because evidently people who do comlaw are supposed to breeze through everything.
and i'm unmotivated, because i feel like i'm halfway on the road to failure already.

also, there's extra stress for my students. i really want them to do well! if only i could do the exam for them, but i don't know how to motivate them when they don't try either.

blah. lately i have had a strange urge to listen to backstreet boys LOL and james morrison. i love james morrison, i could sit in bed and listen to him all day crooning in the background whilst reading a book. some days i sit in my room and bellow at the top of my lungs to 'i want it that way'
LOL. signs of losing it.

oh God, i can't wait till exams are over.

mm contracts comes in handy.

so my mum signed my sister up for some course which apparently advertised a "full money back guarantee" if the customer was dissatisfied. and having finished the course my sister said it was terrible and hence they wanted a refund, blabhlahblah..

.______.' EXPRESS TERMS.!